I am not a wuss.
The words that follow here may lead you to think otherwise. I hope not, but, well, welcome to America and our Freedom of Thought.
Come to think of it, I am not sure that is in our Bill of Rights, but, um, I digress.
In 1989 I married someone who I have always considered to be a very strong, smart, and talented woman. I married up. Her depth of knowledge is amazing. Many times she told me that she would not have married an idiot, but in no way was I her equal intellectually. And that is OK with me — I have my own gifts.
She could play a mean guitar, sing wonderfully, and picked up playing the hammered dulcimer as if it was as simple as breathing. One day I brought home a CD of a Central American band. She had never heard their music before this. Standing at her dulcimer, with the hammers in each hand, she started playing with the band, anticipating what they were going to do next. It was wonderfully stunning to watch. Music was in her blood and in each cell of her body.
She grew up on the east side of our state. Somehow through breathing in the air, drinking the water, or carefully watching others, she was able to figure things out mechanically. She fixed things and built things.
Besides being a high school English teacher, she has a Masters in Psychology. She knew how to figure people out —- including me. Many years ago we went to marriage counseling. The counselor immediately saw that we each had “issues” that had to be dealt with individually. My issue — in some ways I was stuck at being 10 years old emotionally. My mom died when I was that age and I have almost no memory of my life before that age, and no memory of my mom whatsoever. Sometimes the child comes out. I am occasionally a little boy with all the trappings that come with it. Most of the time I act my age, but when the little boy comes out, it is really sad being a fourth grader again.
For most of our marriage, I accepted as fact that she was smarter than I was and knew what she was talking about. Now please, do not get me wrong. I absolutely brought strengths to our relationship. I was always responsible for the finances. I paid the bills, created budgets, did the financial planning, figured out ways for us to go to Uganda twice on medical mission trips without using a penny of our monthly income. That is just one example.
As the marriage began to unravel, I took all of the blame. It was all my fault. When she laid out why she was leaving, I put it all on my shoulders. I carried it all. I recognized that I did not treat her well, that the mistakes were mine. And yes, I was selfish.
Yes, she absolutely did some bad things. But, they were all because I failed as a husband. At least that is what I thought at that point.
This lasted for at least a year after we separated. I lived in a lot of regrets. The weight was impossible to carry. I failed my wife and my children. I could not hold the family together. I dropped the ball big time on my most important responsibility. Or at least I thought so at the time.
This mindset was all because of the huge amount of respect I had for my wife’s abundance of talent. As I said earlier, I was not her equal. She could not be at fault. I failed — not her.
Like I said in an earlier blog, music plays a big role in my life. I cannot sing. I cannot play an instrument (but I can identify a whole note, half note, and quarter note). I came across “Gone”, a Toby Mac song that reinforced this belief that I was completely at fault.
In part, the lyrics read:
I wanna know, wanna know what you were thinkin’
I can’t imagine why it didn’t even sink in
They say you never know what you got till it’s gone
And it continues:
She said she’s had enough
So, it sounds to me like your still out of love
And she said you weren’t true
And life’s not blowin’ her kisses thanks to you
She said it’s gonna be alright
Cause God made a way through the pain and he opened her eyes
And she said you came crawling back
But after what you did to her she wouldn’t have any of that
The song told me that I blew it, I wasn’t true, and she ain’t coming back.
In many ways, I felt like a little 10-year-old wuss.
But, like last week’s “Aloneness” blog, this faded as well. Through the friendship, love, and generosity of friends and family and the amazing healing powers of my Lord, I managed to escape that hell. It was not easy. The comparison of grief and ocean waves is absolutely
accurate. There were times when the waves kicked my butt and I found myself swirling underwater, gasping for air.
If fault needs to be found (and I am not sure it does), I think all along I knew the weight of blame lands on both of us. I am now rediscovering the amazing healing power of love and forgiveness. I actually feel the gradual cleansing of my heart.
I wondered all along what emotion I would have when I learned the divorce was final. Would I fall to the floor in a ball and sob uncontrollably? Would I laugh nervously? Would there be no emotion whatsoever?
None of the above. It really surprised me, but I felt relieved. The three-plus years of separation was a very heavy weight to carry. So much grief, so much sadness, so many unknowns for such a long time. Quite honestly, there were times when I cried out to God to take me Home. I wanted to die. Not suicide. I just begged God to take me Home. I felt like such a failure. But on Dec. 18, 2018, I felt the door behind me close. That chapter of my life ended. There was now the future. I could finally take steps forward, without having to look behind me. The weight, that God-awful weight, was removed.
To close this blog, I must quote another song. One of my pastors —- actually he was the pastor that married my former wife and I — introduced a song to our church that remains as one of my favorites. The lyrics speak to me like none other has. To me, it is a song of victory:
Unbounded grace, it reached to me,
When hope was gone from view.
In my despair Christ came to me
As He alone could do.
Grace was for me the only way
my guilt could find relief.
My destiny was changed that day,
I reached out in belief
God’s grace does not on me depend,
it’s God who is my stay.
His love is offered without end.
He walks with me each day.
The universe with joy will ring,
when grace has won the day.
As all creation joins to sing,
praise God who paid the way
A Man's Divorce 