Aloneness

Until May 1, 1969, I was the youngest in a family of five.  I was 10 years old when my mother died.  Twenty-one months later my dad remarried.

I became the youngest of nine siblings.

It was difficult if not entirely impossible to be alone. We had one bathroom.

Through all those years and until November 2015, I never gave being alone much thought.  Well, that is not entirely true.  I was quite homesick during the first couple months of my college freshman year.

Aloneness became horrifying three years ago when the 2,500 square-foot house and one acre of land began to echo. To make the situation worse, I was unemployed. All I had to do was to be alone……and look for work.

As an approaching senior citizen, two things became clear:

• The vast majority of people my age are married. Their time is not their own.
• Most people my age have a job.

I was never quite sure how to balance being a pest (a leech) so I wasn’t alone, and all those hours every day of being by myself. I knew I was no longer fun to be with. I am sure the sparkle in my eyes dimmed, and my countenance was that of a dead man. For a long time, I really was rather pathetic. I thought that since the one person in this world who knows me the best, does not like me, why would anyone else like me?

Over time, my heart began to heal and I wasn’t so consumed by loneliness and self-pity. I had stopped equating being alone with being a loser. God had given me a great job, so the financial strain had lessened. I began to see some value in me.

I was then able to look long-term.  For over two years I asked God in my daily prayers for the restoration of the marriage. But as time wore on, and the time of our divorce drew near, there was no movement towards restoration.  It was so very difficult, but I had to come to terms that God is powerful enough to make something as ugly as divorce into something beautiful, something that will glorify Him. I just cannot see it yet.

I grew up with two rock bands in my family and so music has always spoken to me the most intimately. Several months before the divorce was final,  the Christian band MercyMe came out with a song that spoke exactly how I wanted to feel and believe.  The song, “Even If”, includes the verse:

I know You’re able
And I know You can
Save through the fire
With Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone

It is followed by:

But God when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Give me the strength
To be able to sing
It is well with my soul

These lyrics spoke exactly where I wanted to be.  I totally understood that God is big on free will.  He would never force anything. He cries when a marriage falls apart.  This is not what He wants. But He certainly would never force a reconciliation. So like Bart sings in the song, even if my marriage ends, I will not lose my faith in Him and I will eventually sing again.

To be gut-wrenchingly honest, though, I am a realist and I am a planner. I look ahead. And I know who I am. I cannot imagine living the rest of my life alone. My prayers morphed from first asking God only for reconciliation (that is what I really wanted) into the last few months asking Christ if He would allow me to remarry. “Lord, it would be totally awesome if you would bring someone into my life, someone with whom I could share the rest of my life.”

I am a huge people person.  Relationships are a big priority with me.

But I kept all of this to myself. It was never a topic of discussion with any of my three adult children. My commitment was to their mom.

Keeping my thoughts to myself ended a few weeks ago when my eldest daughter and I were on a hike along a local river. We were just strolling along with her two dogs, with the river by our side, when she asked me quite out of the blue if I was going to date again.

Now, she is 27 years old.  She is no child. But it is still awfully weird and a bit uncomfortable to have this discussion with one of my children. “Hey, since my mom is no longer your wife, are you going to date?”  Now, it was a great chat.  I have no issues with it.  It just was not a discussion I ever imagined having with my kids. I fully expected to be married to her mom until death do us part.

The eldest then disclosed that she and my son, the youngest of the three, talked about this. I learned that they have no problems with me dating again. I was told that I am way too much of a people person to stay single.

Until most recently I lived in a lot of confusion about divorce and God’s will.  There are many people of faith in both camps. What does Scripture say about divorce? I have had people in both camps share their beliefs with me, including pastors and counselors. I have chosen to pray and let God lead my life.  He knows my desires.  I plead my case every day.  But I always end my prayer with, “may your will be done.” I know He will not keep my feet in the coals for the rest of my life.  If He wants me single, I am quite sure He will change my heart and I will be quite fine being single. My heart will be filled with other things. But man I would love a hiking partner!

Now, the above words were never going to make it into my blog until I read a couple of Facebook comments made by two of my peers from my old Centurylink days. One of the comments showed up Friday night after she had read my blog, and the words and the tone were amazing. She wrote in part that, ” Learning to be alone has been a journey for me” and that years later “I enjoy a dinner out alone, a long walk, a day at the market.”

I must have read her comment 10 times. It somehow resonated with me, but the above quote felt icky. I loved her note and the tone and the words. Everything. Her words were so supportive and loving. But the alone thing was icky. It was really powerful how that made me feel.

I had started this fourth blog a few weeks ago, but it never went anywhere.  Matter of a fact, I was really questioning if the last blog was going to be my last.  I just had nothing more to say. God had not spoken to me like He had with my first three.

And then this morning a second phone company friend posted, “It is a journey. I set goals for myself to do things alone. Like, go to a movie.”

I know this writer very well.  I know her story. Once I went to a movie alone. I do not want to do that again. It was weird. It isn’t that I don’t like myself. It is just that I like to share this stuff. Do I do things alone?  Absolutely.  This morning I went on a five-mile walk with “the dog” on the same route we did three years ago. Would I have preferred going with another human?  Certainly.

But the second note on FB cemented my decision to write this blog. I am still not sure why God wants this out there in cyberspace. It is not my intention to stand on the tallest hill and scream, “I am available again. Let’s date.”  God has had the reigns since that fateful day three years ago last November.  It is my intention to continue following His lead.