The Deeper Magic

It would be a lie if I said I was all good. Over the last several days I have discovered just how untrue that is.

I would suppose this is no surprise to most anyone who knows me. Maybe it deserves a loud “Well, duh, Tom.”

Since my divorce was final in December, and after three years of the God-awful separation, it would be more correct to say that these last three months have been the proverbial roller coaster. Lots and lots of highs, but more recently there have been some depths where it has been nearly impossible to breathe.

Sunday night I did not like Tom McCrady. He was a jerk.

To protect the innocent, I cannot go into great detail, but I was full of rage. Some things had happened that normally I could have easily dealt with, but not that day.  I was depleted.

I am fully aware that my timetable is not God’s timetable. This has become apparent over the last few weeks. Quite truthfully it saddens me, but even more so it pisses me off. I really, really, really hate this.

What the hell am I talking about?

My prayers for reconciliation with my former wife changed sometime after she filed for divorce.  I started to ask God for permission to remarry. I have had pastors tell me to remarry would be adultery, and I have had others tell me that in my situation that is not true. So, I went straight to God. He has not spoken to me directly regarding remarriage, but I have always felt peace. Let me elaborate – peace with the concept, but as it turns out, not with the timetable.

I signed up with eHarmony and so far have had three dates. It is a very strange, if not uncomfortable process. I do not even know how to explain it without being demeaning. It is awful to be looking at photos of ladies and making instant judgments.  It makes me question my integrity.

Back on topic. Anyone I would even consider reaching out to must: 1) have real faith in Christ (not just attend church); have a love for the mountains (such as hiking); 3) be about my age. My first date was a real eye-opener. We talked a lot via text and over the phone. Hours and hours. She was quite pretty in her online photos.  We had a real connection regarding Christian music. It was great. We made plans to meet. Then she said, “I am overweight, but I have lost 20 pounds.” It really didn’t bother me, but she did not appear to be overweight in the picture.

We met and had a really good time with great conversation.  She is a nice lady. However, it was obvious she would not be able to fulfill my hiking requirement.  The photo was not accurate. Enough said.

The other two dates were also great fun but did not go anywhere. Over time, the number of “connections” sent to me via eHarmony has dramatically dropped.

This is where emotions come to play. I have lots of great friends. But I yearn for an intimate relationship.  I miss the deep love.

I must have been insane when I imagined this process would be fun – and that it would be fast. Why wouldn’t a lady want more than just one date with me? I am a great guy, right?   I am not ugly, right? There is some attractiveness – isn’t there?

If you let it, this process could destroy your ego, your self-confidence, your self-worth. This is where you could hole-up in your house in front of the television, computer monitor, or even books and live-out other people’s lives, surrendering to a life of self-pity, aloneness, and diminished self-worth.  You could easily cry out, “No one loves me!! I am just going to eat chocolate!”

Believe me, I know that. It is an easy path to take.

Last night I was quite angry. This morning I was especially sad. A good night’s sleep brought no healing. As I prayed to my God this morning, tears leaked from my eyes. I know, I just know that it is in His plan for me to be married again.  There is no doubt.  But I also know His will also involves timing. I am absolutely sure He has hand-picked someone for me. A perfect match. It may just not be time yet. That may not make it any easier, but God’s ways are sometimes hard to understand and sometimes hard to accept.

This reminds me of my years of unemployment.  After my employer closed our local office in 2014, I bounced around from unemployment, temporary work, and a couple of other jobs. That was exceedingly humiliating, financially a struggle, and really quite horrifying. I know people hard started to wonder why I could not keep a job. My self-worth was beginning to take a beating. I had applied for my current position probably five times before the door opened for me. To this day I have no idea why God chose to wait.  I may never know. I did nothing differently. My applications were identical. Last July God opened the door. Faith, my friends, is not an easy road.

My church recently hung up a couple of banners that read “God is good all of the time”, followed by “All of the time God is good.”  It was said a couple times this past Sunday.  I would agree with that if you look at the long game. I would question it if you only look short term. Life is not all rosy as a Christian. There is a ton of crap, lots of pain, throw in some misery, and even death. A parent who loses a child is not going to smile and say, “God is good all of the time.” I did not echo those words at church on Sunday. He was not feeling especially good to me.

So here I am.  Waiting again. Different reason. This time there is an added dimension. The clock. This Friday I turn 60 years old.  In my view, that is so much older than 50. It is so close to 70. That, to me, is really approaching horrifying. I do not feel what I thought 60 would feel like.  Heck, I still hike, play tennis, and walk a lot. But that number just seems to be so old. My mind starts doing the math — OK, it takes a while to meet someone, more time to get to know them, a while longer to get married, etc etc etc. My heart – not my head – tells me I will be 80 then.

No, I do not have a happy ending here. But despite my heart crying out for companionship, there is a “deeper “magic” that is in me. That is joy. As many of you know, those are completely different from one another.  God does not give me happiness – He gives me joy. Very different. Despite my being angry, sad, lonely, and sometimes feeling like I am a loser, the joy of Christ is what sustains me. Sometimes it is by a thread, but I am still able to breathe.

“But what does it all mean?” asked Susan when they were somewhat calmer. “It means,” said Aslan, “that though the Witch knew the Deep Magic, there is a magic deeper still which she did not know.” – “The Lion, Witch, and Wardrobe”, Chronicles of Narnia.